anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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