i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
