it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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