Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
