It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
