I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
When did angry sex become our thing?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
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