I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Randomize
