Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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