Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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