I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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