How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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