You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Randomize
