P.S. I can't hear my feet
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
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