Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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