I cannot find my penis.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
