yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
