Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Randomize
