the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
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