it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
high people should be assigned attendants
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
