I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
