i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
