I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
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