i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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