I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
