biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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