Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
