In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
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