I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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