Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
We're not piercing ourselves today.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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