woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
