Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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