he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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