Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
