evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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