Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
