it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize