I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
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