I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Randomize
