When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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