What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
That accounts for only three of the penises
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
