Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
