I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
