I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Randomize