Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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