I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
