you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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