i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize
