Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
