i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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