i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Randomize
