another moral hangover. fuck.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
