Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
