apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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