So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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