After last night, I could never be a politician.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Randomize
