how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
We left the knife in your bed.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
