i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
