i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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